Go For Your Goals

I trust you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! We definitely enjoyed the time spent with our family and missed those that weren't able to be with us this year. I was actually able to stick with a Paleo meal for our Thanksgiving meal. We do breakfast for Thanksgiving, so it wasn't as difficult as a traditional meal would have been. It was hard though because I love some biscuits and gravy, especially chocolate gravy! But I stayed away from all that and enjoyed a cranberry orange muffin that I had left over from the Color Run weekend. It was yummy! :)

I didn't think I would be able to meet my goal of 11 Paleo meals for Thanksgiving week, but I did. I was able to hit 12 again! I am probably going to stick with this goal for the rest of the year and then change it up to adapt Paleo a little more full force. My trainer, Laurie, shared an article about people’s difficulty in making Paleo a full lifestyle and some suggestions to make it a little more manageable. At the beginning of the year, I plan to do all Paleo with the exception of one thing per day. Most days right now I am doing 2 Paleo meals per day so it won’t be as difficult to add that other meal in there; especially knowing I have that one exception that won’t thwart the whole plan.

After my confessional with Jessica and my trainers, they have really been keeping me on track and accountable. Jessica constantly asks me how I’m doing with my goal. My trainers cracked down on me and said they would make me run (jog intervals at least) if I had bad stuff in my journal when they checked it at our Inspired! meetings. This Thursday, they had to review my journal for 2 weeks, which included the Color Run weekend and Thanksgiving. It wasn't as bad as it was or it could have been, but they still pointed all the bad stuff out and told me I would have to do 12 laps around the building. Laurie did help in giving me some tips and suggestions on what to do in some of the situations like I was in. She also bargained with me and told me I could do an hour on the elliptical instead of running around the building. I was “happy” about that but still very nervous.

I haven’t used the elliptical in years and when I did try it then, I couldn't last 5 minutes without getting out of breath and stopping (and not continuing). I did actually try the elliptical the Friday after Thanksgiving. I woke up with a goal to get to the gym and go as long as I could on it to see my progress. Much to my own surprise, I did a 16 minute mile on the elliptical that day!! I think I could have gone a little bit longer, but I still wanted to lift so I didn't want to completely tire myself out. All that being said, I knew this hour was going to be a HUGE thing for me. I have never lasted that long on an elliptical (or done that long on a treadmill either) and never imagined I would be able to. Based on my time from Thanksgiving, I knew it would equate to about 4 miles. I haven’t walked that far EVER! My 5ks are only 3.1 miles – that’s the farthest I've done. I mean, I've walked for an hour straight before during my 5ks, but this is different. This is a machine that works my legs and feet in a different form and fashion than traditional walking. But I knew I had to do it. I ate the food, and I had to pay the price. I set out for the gym yesterday, still nervous as crap cause I didn't know if I would honestly be able to last that long. Bobby gives me a little encouragement when I get to the gym. I set my playlist ready to tackle this upcoming hour and head to the elliptical. Not even thinking about it, I chose a program that was only 30 minutes long. I didn't even realize it until I was about halfway into the program. But I told myself it was okay – I would just do 2 of them. I finished up the first one and took a pic of my time/miles. I got off and stretched my legs a bit then got right back on. Set the program back up ready to go my next 30 minutes. I think that actually helped me a bit, knowing I just had to go 30 minutes each time. It broke it up mentally for me. Nevertheless, it was 60 minutes total and I made it!!!! My time, with cool down, was 63:06 and I went 4.02 miles! I didn't know if I would be able to do it or how I would feel afterward, but I felt good. My legs were a little wobbly, but not too bad. I did a couple sets of curls and overhead tricep extensions afterward too. If I was smart, I would have lifted beforehand. But anyway – LOL! I did it, I felt amazing and so accomplished!!

I thank God for the progress I have made thus far in my journey and can’t wait to see what happens next. Doors are constantly opening for me to share my accomplishments and struggles. I am excited to see where He leads me and what doors He opens next! What has kept me going this far is remembering the reason I started this journey. So if you’re struggling with staying on track. Ask yourself: Why did I start? Remember your reasons! If it matters to you, you’ll keep going. If not, you’ll give up!

Reflections

The past couple of weeks have really been a roller coaster for me. I have not been as dedicated to my eating as I should be. It hit me after I stepped on the scale 2 weeks ago. I didn't hit the goal I had set for myself for the past month. Automatically I start thinking about and reflecting on why I failed....

I had been eating too much junk and carb-loaded foods. Some of it was little things, but little things add up! No one really knew what was going on; I really didn't even realize what I was doing. It was almost like I was subconsciously sabotaging my weight-loss. But I finally woke up and realized what was happening. I knew I was on a slippery slope and I had to make the CONSCIOUS decision to stop. I literally had a confessional with my BFF/accountability partner Jessica on Wednesday of last week, and then with my trainers on Thursday. It was tough, but I knew it had to be done. The more people that knew meant more people that could keep me accountable during this phase of my journey.

After my confessionals, I decided to make weekly goals for myself with my food. Last week I made a goal of making sure at least 1/2 of my weekly meals (11 meals) followed the Paleolithic lifestyle. I made it -- I had 12 Paleo meals last week! This week, I have the same goal. It's going to be a little tougher with Thanksgiving, but I'm determined to make it! I HAVE to make it!

This little bump in the road really made me think about where I came from and the progress I have made. Before, my life was all about the junk and carb-loaded foods! I didn't care at all what I ate. I loved my bread, sweets, chocolate, cake, fried foods.....I loved it all. I still enjoy chocolate, but a more natural version and not every day! I still enjoy muffins, breads, cakes, etc - but grain and gluten free! I still enjoy foods that I love, but in a healthier way.

I know my blogs here lately have been about my journey thus far. This Thanksgiving season has really brought be to a point of reflection. I am so very thankful for the opportunity God has given me to turn my life around. It's hard to look back at just over a year ago and see the road I was headed down. I look a pictures and can't believe the difference. I can't believe how a year changes things! I can see the difference in my pictures, but sometimes I don't feel it. I mean, I feel the healthy difference, but can't always feel the "weight" difference. I hope that makes sense.

I hit a snag in the road and begin to doubt things. It's not pretty! But then I get reassurance from people around me that I am doing such a good job, that they are proud of me, that I'm an inspiration to them. It renews my confidence and determination for this journey I am on. Then I try on an XXL t-shirt that I was for sure wouldn't fit, but IT DID!


my XXL shirt!! :)



I begin to look at pictures from when I first started and realize that I am making progress. No matter how I "feel," my body is changing -- for the BETTER! I remember why I am on this journey. I can't go back down that road. I can't go back to where I was. I will die if I do. There will be ups and downs, but it is so worth it! I will one day be the person I know I'm meant to be. In the meantime, I will enjoy this journey and keep pushing forward.

What a difference!!
January 5k (time 71:40) vs November 5k (time 59:30)

OH! I just realized I haven't even told you about the Color Run 5k I did this weekend! OH EM GEE!!!! It was SO MUCH FUN! Jenny couldn't make it, so Erica's mom came and enjoyed the weekend with us. We got up to Charlotte Friday evening to get our race packets. Saturday morning we woke up early, enjoyed a Paleo breakfast (courtesy of my trainer, Laurie!) and headed to Lowe's Motor Speedway for the race. There were so many people - I think they said over 12,000 -- and we all looked the same in our white! I had a goal to finish in under an hour. My 5k time from September was 69:40, so I knew it was going to be a tough challenge trying to cut 10 minutes off. After the first hill, I was doubtful that I would make my goal. Then the second hill hit, and I just knew I wouldn't make it! Well, I finished in 59:30!!! I made it!!!!! I was so stinkin' excited! I honestly didn't think I would after those hills, which I really didn't expect. This was a huge feat for me and I can't wait for my next race!

Collage

Color FUN!

me and my SIL, Amanda - before and after!

Color Throw Celebration

yes, I AM!!

VICTORY!!

One Year

Today marks one year that I have been on my weight-loss journey. It has been one heck of a year. If you don't know my back story, you can read it here. It's just hard to believe that it has actually been a whole year, 12 months, since I started changing my life for the better. It has taken a true mental dedication to stick to this. I know in my head and my heart that if I hadn't started this journey, I might not be alive. That's just the honest truth. My doctor blatantly told me that if things didn't change, I would die early. I didn't want to die, so I changed! My eating habits are completely different than they were 12 months ago. My activity level is MUCH higher than it was last year. I have new friends and stronger friendships. I am blessed to have had the opportunities for healthy living that I have experienced over the past year. I have now have two 5ks under my belt....something I NEVER would have done or imagined I would do this time last year. AND I have a third 5k scheduled for November in Charlotte with a new friend and 2 friends from college. My life is so much better.

I want to thank a few people specifically. First of all - Jessica. I thank God that we met in Spanish class 10 years ago! God knew I would need you in my life for this very reason. You have always been honest with me, even when it hurts -- and I know it has sometimes. You have kept me grounded and focused on my goals. Thank you for always standing by me and continuing to be a TRUE friend.  Leah - thank you for being my walking buddy. You have helped keep me on track as well. Had it not been for you, I would have never hit the pavement. You have pushed me to do extra things that I never thought I would do (Zumba, the 5k). Thank you for your friendship. Laurie - thank you for accepting me in your Zumba class. You have never judged me and I can't even begin to tell you how much that means. You have been so supportive and encouraging. You keep me excited to exercise. Your dedication and commitment to health and fitness is contagious. I only hope I can pass the excitement along! To Bobby and Carlos - thank you for working with me during this transformation over the past 6 weeks. Both of you have really pushed me beyond my limits. I never thought I would run or lift weights like you have made me do. You have a dedication to fitness as well. Thank you for making me realize that I'll never know what I'm capable of until I push beyond the pain.


I have so many other people to thank for all of their encouragement and support. There are so many that have made such an impact on my journey. I would never be able to thank or recognize them all. If you read this blog, THANK YOU! Knowing that my story is reaching others is so encouraging. My whole reason for blogging has become so that people who may be feeling the same way I do or facing the same struggles I am know that they are not alone. It helps so much to know that! Life is about sharing experiences with others and I am thankful I can share mine with each of you.

Labor Day Funk Run



#60

 Well I did it - I completed another 5k. Let me just tell you, this one was tough. I went into the race yesterday not fully prepared but I knew I could do it. I started the race, no problem. It was hilly, but I was pushing through. About halfway through, my feet were really hurting, specifically the balls of my feet. I felt like they were on fire and every step got worse. I kept singing the Praise & Worship songs on my playlist and praying for God to ease the pain. I had two goals for this race: not to stop and to finish with a better time than in January and I was very close to not accomplishing either one. I was about two thirds of the way through the race and who do I see ahead but my trainer Bobby coming back to get me. I was literally in tears at this point. I just about felt like I couldn’t go any farther and God sent him to help me push through. I would have finished regardless, but I definitely wouldn’t have finished in better time had Bobby not come back. He talked to me and kept my mind off how bad my feet were hurting. So I accomplished BOTH goals today – I never stopped and I finished 2 solid minutes ahead of my January time!

the reason my feet were hurting - yep, a HUGE blister full of blood!

 Yesterday’s race meant a lot to me. It wasn’t just achieving my goals; it was more than that. It was a boost in confidence. There were so many people that kept encouraging me along the way. The church (UAG) that sponsored the race had cheerleaders along the route, which was great, but it was the other participants. Every time I turned around there was someone giving me an extra boost. “You’re doing great.” “Keep going.” “You got this.” I can’t tell you how much that meant and what it added to my determination. It helped me when my feet first started hurting. I knew I just had to keep pushing.

I did this race “by myself.” My brother was going to walk with me, but he decided to run and I was going to walk with his mother-in-law. When the race started, she had a faster pace than me so she went on. Deep down, I knew I had to do this on my own anyway. I had to prove to myself that I could do it without anyone by my side, without relying on someone to be there for me to lean on when I got tired. I had to make up my own mind that this was MY race. Yes, my trainer came back to push me to the end, but he wasn’t my crutch. I knew I would finish had he come back or not. He just came to kick me to finish strong, and finish strong I did!

People tell me all the time, “I wish I had your determination.” All it takes is a little work. You have to realize that you have a purpose in this life. Right now, my purpose is to live and in order to live this is what I have to do. I have to work hard to lose weight. I have to lose weight to literally stay alive. When the way you’ve been living isn’t working anymore, you know something has to change. If you don’t change, you’ll die. Plain and simple. Not wanting to die drives my determination. Find your drive. Find your purpose.

Stepping It Up

We had a great Inspired! meeting Thursday. Carlos talked about trying to get our 10k steps in and finding ways to get it done. We also started discussing different options for meals, like what we can eat for breakfast and lunch. I can’t wait to get my almond flour because right now I’m eating a lot of eggs for breakfast and I’m kinda getting sick of them. LOL. Once I get that in, I can make some different things for breakfast, and even treats (cookies!). I’ve been finding and finally trying some more recipes. Some of them have turned out pretty good, others just not quite like I expected/wanted.

Sweet Potato Fries

Creamy Chicken Tomato Soup

I also had Zumba Thursday night. And even though I had that, I didn’t make my goal of 7,000 steps. I had to make an unexpected trip to Pendleton, so that took a lot of the time that I would have been able to get in my extra steps. I did make sure to hit 6,000 though Thursday, Friday, and yesterday.

Bobby definitely helped me get in my steps on Friday. He asked me first thing how many steps I had in already. He had quite a few exercises in mind to help push me farther. We did 12 straight minutes of circuit training, no rests – squats, rows, curls, shoulder press, tricep extension, and pushups. I did probably about 7 rounds of those. Then we did step ups and on to alternating seated squats and knee lifts. My legs were burning! Plus we did some swinging ropes, side tilts, trunk twists, and punches using a bungee rope for tension. If that weren’t enough, he threw in some “farmer walks” carrying 50lbs of weight and walking knee lifts!

I was worn slap out! BUT I still had to come back yesterday morning for my workout with Carlos. SO, I get up early to go workout with Carlos yesterday at 7:45am. He has a boot camp class before I come and he warned me. He was pumped and ready to go! Boy was he ever! He had a whole workout planned for me, one similar to what they do in his boot camp class. Well, in the middle of doing push-ups, he asks me about my workout with Bobby. I told him everything we did and he has to change his workout because it’s too similar to what he was going to do. Now I really don’t know what to expect. He says we’re going outside. Okay. We’re going to run. WHAT?! RUN?! Yes, run. This fat girl ran. There are two buildings: the studio and Core 24 Gym. We “power” walked the length of one building then ran the other length. Turned around and did it again….and again….and again - about 8 times - walking then running. Get done with that and he wants me to do tire flips and sledgehammer swings. I had to do about 4-6 rounds of that. THEN he mentions suicides – run the length of 2 parallel parking spaces, do 10 jumping jacks, turn around and do it again. I couldn’t really tell you how many of those I did. I probably haven’t really run since like 6th grade! My legs were some serious jell-o! But I did it!

I honestly can’t say how much I love each of my trainers. Both Bobby and Carlos told me during their workouts this week that they were going to step it up for me. They felt a desire and obligation to do that for me. Yes, that means harder workouts, but it also means that really care about my end result. It means that they are concerned about where I go from here. Laurie pushes me every single time I walk into one of her classes or training session. These people really care. I am honored and privileged to have the first transformation opportunity at Inspire 4 Life Fitness!

Day 22 - Marine Corp Barbie

I only THOUGHT I was sore yesterday! The past two nights I shared training sessions with a guy named Brian – he’s in the Zumba class too. Well, I can tell you that Laurie does not hold anything back! She did “super sets” to wear out the muscles and boy did it ever! I have worked muscles that I didn’t realize you could work. She definitely pushes me to give all I have and more. She mainly concentrated on arms/chest, which is where I think I am weakest. So, it was tough. There’s no letting up though because tonight I have Zumba again. Not to mention my other workouts with Carlos and Bobby to finish up the week. I can tell you now that Sunday will be a GLORIOUS day of rest!!!! I’m already looking forward to it, but I know all the work I’m doing and the soreness I feel every night is so worth it. I am seeing more and more differences in my body and starting to see some muscle definition beneath this fat. More muscle burns more fat, so bring it on! Let’s do this!

*Oh – and I hit my 6,600 step goal yesterday! Now, to just do it again today.

Day 10 - Weights

I finally got to work out with Bobby last night. He took me over to the gym beside the studio (where he also trains) and did some warm-up on the treadmill and weights. It has been a long time since I’ve worked out with weights, and I have to say I’ve missed it (missed the treadmill too!). I’m not very strong in my arms right now, but I’ll get there. I’m okay with curls and shoulder height stuff; but when it comes to lifting above my head….man am I weak! I used a medicine ball for the first time too. You wouldn’t think that holding about an 8-10lb weight while you do certain things (squats, trunk twists, throws, and knee lifts) would be that big of a deal, but it is. It adds just enough extra weight to make it challenging! I really enjoyed it!

This whole week has been really good. I have been challenged, but not so much that I want to stop or give up. I am excited about this process and can’t wait for my next workout. I never thought I would be saying that. I never thought I would look forward to workouts. I like it and I’m excited!!!

I worked out with Carlos again this morning and I'm going grocery shopping with Laurie this evening, so I'll blog about those later tonight/tomorrow.

Day 6: Double Workouts and Discoveries

So yesterday was my first workout with Carlos. We scheduled it for 4:45pm before Zumba so I could do both. I was nervous about working out with him. I didn’t know what to expect. I pull up and he’s sitting outside on a tractor tire with 2 sledge hammers and a kettle ball. We went inside for warm-ups -- squats, forward and backward lunges, pushups, hip circles, and leg extensions. Those hip circles and pushups got me! Don’t let the size fool you …my arms have no strength! On we go outside to walk; and Carlos has a faster pace than I usually do and that was regular tempo. We did intervals of “slow” and speed – concentrating on breathing and pushing with the arms. We walked around the parking lot and restaurants, then back to the studio and on to the rotations. This included walk-out burpees, step-ups, push-ups, and sledge hammer swings….all but the step-ups on the tractor tire. I think he was supposed to have kettle ball swings in there too, but he forgot those. We got 3 rounds in before he let me “relax” before Zumba started. Laurie also took some pics and video for the transformation.

The workout with Carlos wasn’t as bad as I think I expected it to be, but it was still challenging. I could hear that voice in my head saying “you can’t do this” and “it’s okay to stop”….but I didn’t listen. I knew I COULD do it and NOT to stop! I had to keep pushing – through the pain and the doubtful thoughts. This was just workout #1. I HAD to keep going! And I did. I made it through his workout AND Zumba! Now, granted, I couldn’t go at the intensity I usually do during class; but I did my best, kept up, and I made it work! At the end, most definitely I was worn out. But it was worth it. The pain in my arms: worth it. The pain in my thighs: worth it. The soreness in my hips: worth it. The confidence that I can do it again: WORTH IT!

In addition to my workouts yesterday, I was finally able to weigh. I stopped by the hospital at the Wellness Center after work. They were actually already closed, but the door was still open. I walked in and the director was so nice and let me go ahead and weigh anyway. I’m not about to disclose that number in public, but I’ll just tell you I was surprised. It wasn’t quite as bad as I expected but not where I want to be. It really made me think about where I started from. I don’t know how much weight I have lost to date, but the 39.5 inches has to be a lot. Adding that to what I weigh now is – it’s reality. When I started this journey, I was the size of TWO overweight people….not just two average people, but overweight adults! It really makes me see just how bad things really were. I’m still not where I need to be, by any means, but I’m working on it. It is a long journey, but I know I’ll get there and I am blessed and privileged to have Inspire 4 Life on my side right now pushing me along!

One Day at a Time

Those of you that read my blog know the struggles I posted about on Monday night. Let me just say I am so eternally grateful for all the support you've given me! I know that, in light of my issues, I still have people around me that are concerned and want to see me succeed. I talked to one of those people on the phone last night -- Jessica (my BFF & accountability partner). I knew that she would be able to help me get my head and heart back in the "game". After all, it was a conversation with HER 9 months ago that helped kick my butt into gear and start this journey for real! Being able to talk to her just helped me to refocus my energy and figure out where all this is coming from. I still haven't really figured it out, but I'm taking it one step at a time...one day at a time!

Today was a success. Yes, I went over on my calories, but I didn't feel guilty about it. It wasn't because I over-indulged  or over-ate. Supper wasn't the best choice, but it was okay. My biggest accomplishment today was not eating all the snacks/junk I normally do. It's embarrassing to say, but today is the first day in a while that my snacking calories didn't exceed any of my meal calories. I didn't even have a snack until after lunch today, and then it was pretzels with this new individual chocolate cream cheese cups that I found! Delish! Some of you may not think that's much of an accomplishment, but to me it's HUGE! I had a great workout at Zumba tonight and I'm ready to tackle another day! Right now that's what I have to focus on -- one day at a time. If I look too far ahead, I know I'll get overwhelmed again and go right back to where I was. I can't afford that.


I found these quotes on Jesse Duplantis's Facebook today:

Don't allow the world's ideas to rob you of your self-confidence. The world doesn't know you like your Creator knows you.

The devil is destined to lose and you are anointed to win. Praise God!

Don't give up on yourself...God hasn't.

That last one really got to me. God has faith in me, I just have to realize that and start putting one foot in front of the other again. He is here beside me cheering me on. He is whispering in my ear, "You CAN do this!" I cannot give up! I have too much to fight for. I can't afford to die! I want to LIVE! I'm not out of the woods yet. I still have issues to deal with, but I'm in a better mindset than I have been. I know I will make it through this -- one day at a time...

Willpower

Willpower: energetic determination; the ability to control yourself; strong determination that allows you to do something difficult.

I am going to do my best to be completely honest here, so please bear with me. This is very difficult for me to do, but I have to do something because what I've been doing just isn't working!

I have had a complete LACK of willpower lately. I can't seem to stop myself from doing (eating) things I know I shouldn't. I have gone over on my calories almost every day for probably the past 2 weeks or more -- whether it be from drinks, desserts, or just plain excess food. I realize my overage in calories and tell myself it won't happen again. But it does....day after day after day. I keep telling myself everything is okay and I'll get through this, but the doubts remain. Can I really conquer my willpower issue?? Can I really keep going?? These are the same issues I've faced my entire life and the issues that have kept me at such a heavy weight. I keep telling myself this is the last day; but then I have to finish what's in the house 'cause we bought it; I can't let the money we spent go to waste. BUT THAT'S THE PROBLEM...we bought it! I knew I should have left it on the shelf. I knew I didn't have the willpower to "ration" it out. I knew I couldn't resist the temptation at this point in the game. Why do I consistently do this to myself. I sabotage all the good work and progress I've made so far. Now I feel like I have to start over again. I don't know if I have the determination to do it. I have set my food diary to private because I've been too ashamed to share it with anyone anymore....

I have had a front up and have not been honest with myself, or anyone else really. Like I said, I keep telling myself and blogging that everything is okay. "I've struggled but I'm back on track." Fact is, that's a lie. I'm not okay....everything is NOT okay! How can I be the "inspiration" and "motivation" everyone tells me I am if I continue on like this. This is not who I want to be! Truth is, I know what I need to do -- what I HAVE to do...it's just finding the courage and taking the step to actually do it. I know tonight's blog is part of that step. I have to quit acting like everything is hunky-dory when it's not. I can't get anywhere or accomplish anything by doing that. I have to find my motivation again. I have to realize whole-heartedly again why I'm on this journey. I've lost sight of it all....

Please pray I regain my sight, willpower, and determination.

Blessed

In the midst of trials, it's remarkable how God works and reminds you that you are STILL blessed and highly favored. Some times you hear it directly from Him, or you hear it through a friend's encouraging word, or through a song. I've had it ALL this week. Leah reminded me of His faithfulness in a text and today I was listening to my iPod and I heard a song that I haven't heard in a long time by the Crabb Family. The first and last line (song title) of the chorus just stuck out to me: "In the midst of the storm, He spoke 'Peace be still' and the winds lay at His feet. / When you've done all you can, remember Jesus can do all that you can't." Then I hear God's voice whisper - "I can do it!" It doesn't matter how deep or dark the valley seems to be, God still has control. He won't give you more than you can bear WITHOUT a way of escape! It doesn't matter how many times I fail him, His love is limitless and unconditional. His grace and mercy are unwavering. He never ceases to amaze me!

I am also blessed by the people and opportunities God has placed in my life. It's not coincidence, it's divine intervention! God knew years ago what I would need today. He knew the journey I would be on and the support "staff" that I would need. He took certain situations and made friendships. He put people in my path that I might not have chosen for myself. Had it not been for people I met 10+ years ago, I would not have the push and foundation I need for the journey I am on today. I am thankful for where I am today. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I know I'll get there. God has me in the palm of His hand and will continue provide where I need him to; I have no doubt in that whatsoever!

If You Only Knew...

I will admit sincerely that the past couple of days have been rough for me spiritually and emotionally. I have felt like I'm missing out, like I don't belong, like I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. This has spilled over into my eating as I haven't really paid attention to what I've been eating and basically eating what I want without caring. But you know what.....that's OVER! God never ceases to amaze me and has spoken to me in the midst of my storm. I'm not out of it yet, but instead of hanging my head saying "woe is me," I will take this day as a day the LORD has given me and REJOICE in it!

Music is a passion of mine and I love the way God speaks to me through songs. There have been 3 songs that have spoken to me over the last few days. One I posted Monday - Broken. Another is a brand new song by Mark Condon -- Cover Me. The other is one I have heard countless times before and it really spoke to me. I can't let the devil keep taking what belongs to me! My joy and my peace - I want it ALL back!

I want it all back.

You may have thought you won that last round. You may have laughed. I almost fell down. Maybe you think I give up easy. But it's not over, I got more in me. You thought I stopped. You thought I sat down. But I am standin'! You made me mad now! You got some things I think you owe me. I've come to get back everything that you stole.

I want it all back.

You hit me hard. I should be knocked out. Things I've been through - don't even wanna talk about. You crossed the line. You violated me. I want revenge. I want everything back from A to Z. The battle's not mine. The battle is the Lord's. In the name of JESUS, I'm takin' it by force!

I want it all back!

If you only knew what I was gonna be after the storm you wouldn't have even bothered me!

And now I'm STRONGER. And I got more POWER. I'm a little bit WISER. And I for more STRENGTH. I for the ANOINTING. God God's FAVOR. And we're still STANDING. 

I want it all back!

I'm telling you -- God spoke to me in this song. I can't let the devil take what God has given me. I can't give him my joy, my success, my determination! I'm taking it ALL back and running full force into God's arms! The part I like best is: "Devil, if you only knew what I was gonna be after the storm you wouldn't have even bothered me!"

Through this whole thing, like I said it has affected my weight-loss determination. I still did my Zumba, but I didn't have the will-power to stay away from the "bad" foods. Without God as my focus, I lost focus! I didn't see my success. I just saw the road ahead and became discouraged. Now my mind is back where it needs to be and I am read to RUN! I'm ready to do something about it. I'm ready to do something that takes this journey to the next level. Pray for that if you will. I have an idea in my head, but I'm not sure how receptive an idea it is.

When I went to Zumba Monday, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I didn't look long because I've never liked looking at myself (full-body) in the mirror. I thought something though. I thought -- I can really tell I'm losing weight. I didn't dwell on it much because, at that point, I was still doubting and going through my "battle." But tonight -- I took a second look. I really looked at my full-body in the mirror. Staring back was someone I never thought I would see. I saw a "skinnier" version of ME! I saw someone that likes to exercise. Someone that cares about herself enough to start a journey that she has failed at many times before. And you know what -- I LIKED IT! I really can tell I'm losing weight. I can see the difference...but more importantly, I can FEEL the difference! I know I still have a LONG way to go, but I see the obstacles I've already overcome and I know I can do more!

Progress

As I was on my way home from Zumba tonight, I really started thinking about my journey over the past 6 months. First off, I can't believe it's actually been that long -- it has been amazing! I see a change and difference in myself that I never really thought I would ever see or feel. I have started countless diets and exercised, but I always quit. Habits are hard to make and break, and up until now I didn't think it was possible to change them....but I HAVE! I am no where near where I want to be and some habits are still hard to break...but I'm working on it. This is more than just diet and exercise -- this is my LIFE now. Healthy foods are in the forefront of my mind and exercise is like second nature to me now. I can't even tell you how bad I feel when I miss a workout/Zumba. As much as it "hurts" to exercise sometimes, it hurts worse knowing that if my life doesn't change I won't be ABLE to exercise.

Like I said, I am no where near where I want to be in my life (all aspects), but I can most certainly see the progress. I can actually see where I've lost the inches. I can feel a difference in my body. I can feel my stamina building. When I first started doing Zumba, I'll admit - I was scared. I knew my overweight self wouldn't be able to keep up with all the "little" bodies in class...but I did it anyway. I kept going and kept going...and NOW, I can double time with [most] the best of them! When I started walking, I got winded and needed to stop just walking a mile. NOW, I can do two miles without needing a "break." Heck, I even completed a 5k...and plan on doing another one soon! I'm not the best dancer or the fastest walker, but I'm proud of what I can do now. I can honestly say that I am excited to go back to the cardiologist and tell him what all has happened in the past 6 months! :) I am blessed beyond measure, and am excited to see what I'll do next...

Failing is not Failure

I saw this quote on Pinterest tonight "Failing is not failure." I needed to see this today. I've felt like a failure in my eating the past week. But you know, I can't let it define my journey! I'm not going to let it! I am who I choose to be -- and that is NOT a failure!

While I can see myself making better choices for myself, I can see that I'm starting to drift back to my old ways of eating. So many times before, this is where I would just give up. I would let myself keep drifting until I didn't care/worry about what I was eating anymore. .....but THIS TIME I am deciding that my health is worth the struggle!

This is a battle that I'm going to be facing for the rest of my life. This is not just a fad diet. This is getting healthy. This is not having to lay dying on a hospital bed because they can't do anything for me due to my weight. This is pushing forward to obtain the goals I've always dreamed of for myself. I can see where I'm going wrong -- now it's up to me to change and get back on the right path. 

I don't care how much power, brilliance, or energy you have, if you don't harness it and focus it on a specific target, and hold it there, you're never going to accomplish as much as your ability warrants

*Zig Ziglar*

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something to stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

*Earl Nightingale*

Desire is the key to motivation, but it is determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek.

*Mario Andretti*