One Day at a Time

Those of you that read my blog know the struggles I posted about on Monday night. Let me just say I am so eternally grateful for all the support you've given me! I know that, in light of my issues, I still have people around me that are concerned and want to see me succeed. I talked to one of those people on the phone last night -- Jessica (my BFF & accountability partner). I knew that she would be able to help me get my head and heart back in the "game". After all, it was a conversation with HER 9 months ago that helped kick my butt into gear and start this journey for real! Being able to talk to her just helped me to refocus my energy and figure out where all this is coming from. I still haven't really figured it out, but I'm taking it one step at a time...one day at a time!

Today was a success. Yes, I went over on my calories, but I didn't feel guilty about it. It wasn't because I over-indulged  or over-ate. Supper wasn't the best choice, but it was okay. My biggest accomplishment today was not eating all the snacks/junk I normally do. It's embarrassing to say, but today is the first day in a while that my snacking calories didn't exceed any of my meal calories. I didn't even have a snack until after lunch today, and then it was pretzels with this new individual chocolate cream cheese cups that I found! Delish! Some of you may not think that's much of an accomplishment, but to me it's HUGE! I had a great workout at Zumba tonight and I'm ready to tackle another day! Right now that's what I have to focus on -- one day at a time. If I look too far ahead, I know I'll get overwhelmed again and go right back to where I was. I can't afford that.


I found these quotes on Jesse Duplantis's Facebook today:

Don't allow the world's ideas to rob you of your self-confidence. The world doesn't know you like your Creator knows you.

The devil is destined to lose and you are anointed to win. Praise God!

Don't give up on yourself...God hasn't.

That last one really got to me. God has faith in me, I just have to realize that and start putting one foot in front of the other again. He is here beside me cheering me on. He is whispering in my ear, "You CAN do this!" I cannot give up! I have too much to fight for. I can't afford to die! I want to LIVE! I'm not out of the woods yet. I still have issues to deal with, but I'm in a better mindset than I have been. I know I will make it through this -- one day at a time...

Willpower

Willpower: energetic determination; the ability to control yourself; strong determination that allows you to do something difficult.

I am going to do my best to be completely honest here, so please bear with me. This is very difficult for me to do, but I have to do something because what I've been doing just isn't working!

I have had a complete LACK of willpower lately. I can't seem to stop myself from doing (eating) things I know I shouldn't. I have gone over on my calories almost every day for probably the past 2 weeks or more -- whether it be from drinks, desserts, or just plain excess food. I realize my overage in calories and tell myself it won't happen again. But it does....day after day after day. I keep telling myself everything is okay and I'll get through this, but the doubts remain. Can I really conquer my willpower issue?? Can I really keep going?? These are the same issues I've faced my entire life and the issues that have kept me at such a heavy weight. I keep telling myself this is the last day; but then I have to finish what's in the house 'cause we bought it; I can't let the money we spent go to waste. BUT THAT'S THE PROBLEM...we bought it! I knew I should have left it on the shelf. I knew I didn't have the willpower to "ration" it out. I knew I couldn't resist the temptation at this point in the game. Why do I consistently do this to myself. I sabotage all the good work and progress I've made so far. Now I feel like I have to start over again. I don't know if I have the determination to do it. I have set my food diary to private because I've been too ashamed to share it with anyone anymore....

I have had a front up and have not been honest with myself, or anyone else really. Like I said, I keep telling myself and blogging that everything is okay. "I've struggled but I'm back on track." Fact is, that's a lie. I'm not okay....everything is NOT okay! How can I be the "inspiration" and "motivation" everyone tells me I am if I continue on like this. This is not who I want to be! Truth is, I know what I need to do -- what I HAVE to do...it's just finding the courage and taking the step to actually do it. I know tonight's blog is part of that step. I have to quit acting like everything is hunky-dory when it's not. I can't get anywhere or accomplish anything by doing that. I have to find my motivation again. I have to realize whole-heartedly again why I'm on this journey. I've lost sight of it all....

Please pray I regain my sight, willpower, and determination.