Days 16-20: Life on the Road

Welcome back! We had a great trip to Indiana and enjoyed our time with family for the reunion. I didn’t get the exercise in that I was hoping for. I had planned to go to the gym Saturday morning, but my cousin’s father passed away so we didn’t get to go. I did manage to do 40 step-ups Friday morning and 50 shoulder presses Saturday with a 15lb baby. I did a little bit of walking but not near what I should have (only got in about 10 minutes). Our days were packed full of “stuff” to do. I really wish I had done more, especially considering some of what I ate this weekend….

Speaking of - I didn’t do horrible on the food front, but I definitely didn’t follow Paleo like I was supposed to. I stuck to it for two meals and the third was kind of a “treat.” We only get White Castle and Pizza King/Clara’s once a year – when we go up for the reunion – so I did indulge in those two places. I did eat in moderation though. Normally, I could/would eat at least 6 White Castles and a large order of onion rings. This stop, I only ate 2 and 4 single onion rings (not even ½ a regular order of rings) plus a couple of fish bites. As for Clara’s, their pizza is in small squares and I think I ate about 5-6 squares. We did stop at McDonald’s on the way up and back too. I got a grilled chicken sandwich and ate just the chicken and toppings (lettuce, tomato, bacon) and 10-15 fries each time. I know none of that is Paleolithic, and I’m fessing up. I’m not hiding that fact that I didn’t follow my diet completely. I am letting you know that moderation is the key. But I did actually get a little sick Sunday morning. I’m not quite sure if it was not having eaten breakfast before heading out on the road or what I had eaten the days before; so that’s probably my payback! My good meals: Friday I had pork loin with cucumbers and tomatoes; Saturday I had chicken strips with tomatoes and sweet potatoes. Breakfast was grapes and a Larabar (Saturday), and grapes and turkey slices (Friday).

So there are my results from my weekend away. They aren’t the best, but they’re honest. Now to get back on track completely this week and have the trainers kick my butt like I know they will!

Days 7 & 8 - Overwhelmed

Workouts have been great. I am still sore from Carlos’ workout on Monday. I think I was more uncomfortable Tuesday than Monday after the double workout! Normally I would just sit around and rest after being worked like that…but I didn’t. I did a 24 minute Biggest Loser Box-Fit workout on the Wii. Then yesterday I had my normal Zumba class and tonight I’m doing another Zumba class! I never could understand the people that worked out all the time, 6-7 days/week; but right now, I’m one of those people. To my surprise, I’m not as exhausted as I thought I would be right now. I’m still at the beginning of this transformation process, but that really gives me hope….which I really need right now.

I am completely blessed that I have this opportunity. I knew it would be hard, but it never crossed my mind about the emotional aspects of this specific journey. It’s not the workouts, it’s the eating right. You get so used to eating a certain way, or not even caring about what you eat…then to completely change everything. I don’t even know where to begin! I don’t know what to buy. I don’t know how to prepare it. I don’t know if I’ll like it. I went to the grocery store last night and basically just wondered around. I bought a bell pepper. Woo hoo. I wasn’t really sure what to look for or what I should/shouldn’t be buying. It’s hard to change 29 years’ worth of thinking and habits. I am absolutely clueless to this new way of things. I literally wanted to cry in the middle of the store, and almost did. I don’t know what I’m doing. Not to mention, to get started on the right path and get what I really need is expensive. Money we don’t have. I’m just overwhelmed……..

Willpower

Willpower: energetic determination; the ability to control yourself; strong determination that allows you to do something difficult.

I am going to do my best to be completely honest here, so please bear with me. This is very difficult for me to do, but I have to do something because what I've been doing just isn't working!

I have had a complete LACK of willpower lately. I can't seem to stop myself from doing (eating) things I know I shouldn't. I have gone over on my calories almost every day for probably the past 2 weeks or more -- whether it be from drinks, desserts, or just plain excess food. I realize my overage in calories and tell myself it won't happen again. But it does....day after day after day. I keep telling myself everything is okay and I'll get through this, but the doubts remain. Can I really conquer my willpower issue?? Can I really keep going?? These are the same issues I've faced my entire life and the issues that have kept me at such a heavy weight. I keep telling myself this is the last day; but then I have to finish what's in the house 'cause we bought it; I can't let the money we spent go to waste. BUT THAT'S THE PROBLEM...we bought it! I knew I should have left it on the shelf. I knew I didn't have the willpower to "ration" it out. I knew I couldn't resist the temptation at this point in the game. Why do I consistently do this to myself. I sabotage all the good work and progress I've made so far. Now I feel like I have to start over again. I don't know if I have the determination to do it. I have set my food diary to private because I've been too ashamed to share it with anyone anymore....

I have had a front up and have not been honest with myself, or anyone else really. Like I said, I keep telling myself and blogging that everything is okay. "I've struggled but I'm back on track." Fact is, that's a lie. I'm not okay....everything is NOT okay! How can I be the "inspiration" and "motivation" everyone tells me I am if I continue on like this. This is not who I want to be! Truth is, I know what I need to do -- what I HAVE to do...it's just finding the courage and taking the step to actually do it. I know tonight's blog is part of that step. I have to quit acting like everything is hunky-dory when it's not. I can't get anywhere or accomplish anything by doing that. I have to find my motivation again. I have to realize whole-heartedly again why I'm on this journey. I've lost sight of it all....

Please pray I regain my sight, willpower, and determination.

If You Only Knew...

I will admit sincerely that the past couple of days have been rough for me spiritually and emotionally. I have felt like I'm missing out, like I don't belong, like I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. This has spilled over into my eating as I haven't really paid attention to what I've been eating and basically eating what I want without caring. But you know what.....that's OVER! God never ceases to amaze me and has spoken to me in the midst of my storm. I'm not out of it yet, but instead of hanging my head saying "woe is me," I will take this day as a day the LORD has given me and REJOICE in it!

Music is a passion of mine and I love the way God speaks to me through songs. There have been 3 songs that have spoken to me over the last few days. One I posted Monday - Broken. Another is a brand new song by Mark Condon -- Cover Me. The other is one I have heard countless times before and it really spoke to me. I can't let the devil keep taking what belongs to me! My joy and my peace - I want it ALL back!

I want it all back.

You may have thought you won that last round. You may have laughed. I almost fell down. Maybe you think I give up easy. But it's not over, I got more in me. You thought I stopped. You thought I sat down. But I am standin'! You made me mad now! You got some things I think you owe me. I've come to get back everything that you stole.

I want it all back.

You hit me hard. I should be knocked out. Things I've been through - don't even wanna talk about. You crossed the line. You violated me. I want revenge. I want everything back from A to Z. The battle's not mine. The battle is the Lord's. In the name of JESUS, I'm takin' it by force!

I want it all back!

If you only knew what I was gonna be after the storm you wouldn't have even bothered me!

And now I'm STRONGER. And I got more POWER. I'm a little bit WISER. And I for more STRENGTH. I for the ANOINTING. God God's FAVOR. And we're still STANDING. 

I want it all back!

I'm telling you -- God spoke to me in this song. I can't let the devil take what God has given me. I can't give him my joy, my success, my determination! I'm taking it ALL back and running full force into God's arms! The part I like best is: "Devil, if you only knew what I was gonna be after the storm you wouldn't have even bothered me!"

Through this whole thing, like I said it has affected my weight-loss determination. I still did my Zumba, but I didn't have the will-power to stay away from the "bad" foods. Without God as my focus, I lost focus! I didn't see my success. I just saw the road ahead and became discouraged. Now my mind is back where it needs to be and I am read to RUN! I'm ready to do something about it. I'm ready to do something that takes this journey to the next level. Pray for that if you will. I have an idea in my head, but I'm not sure how receptive an idea it is.

When I went to Zumba Monday, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I didn't look long because I've never liked looking at myself (full-body) in the mirror. I thought something though. I thought -- I can really tell I'm losing weight. I didn't dwell on it much because, at that point, I was still doubting and going through my "battle." But tonight -- I took a second look. I really looked at my full-body in the mirror. Staring back was someone I never thought I would see. I saw a "skinnier" version of ME! I saw someone that likes to exercise. Someone that cares about herself enough to start a journey that she has failed at many times before. And you know what -- I LIKED IT! I really can tell I'm losing weight. I can see the difference...but more importantly, I can FEEL the difference! I know I still have a LONG way to go, but I see the obstacles I've already overcome and I know I can do more!

Prayers

I'm not exactly sure what to write tonight because I'm not even really sure what/how I'm feeling right now. I am just kinda in a "funk" mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It's almost like I have a million things running around in my head and heart and I can't pinpoint what they really are. All I know is that I don't like feeling this way. I can't be productive feeling this way. I know God can help me through this. I ask tonight for your supportive prayers.

I am blessed to have friends and the TRUE friendships that I have. I also appreciate every one of you that reads this blog and prays for me (not just tonight, but anytime) -- God knows each of you and I pray he blesses you wherever you are. Thank you for your continued support!

Amazing

Man, let me just tell you -- my body has been throwing me some curve balls here lately. I cannot even begin to tell you how badly my neck and shoulders are bothering me. I'm pretty sure it's probably just stress from work, but they are so tight it's crazy! It has been so bad that I literally cannot stand it. I have not slept well for about the past week. I have been dreaming about people that I haven't seen in forever! Not usually a bad thing, but it has consumed my sleep so much that it has not been restful. Last night, I finally could not take it anymore so I took some meds and had my mom put some Bengay on my neck and shoulders. That was the first night that I have slept anywhere near peacefully. I don't think I moved until about 6am this morning.

Now, you wanna hear something crazy? ....I have also felt the most AMAZING this week! I know -- how bizarre, right?! I went to Zumba Monday and last night and I felt like those were the BEST workouts I have had in -- well, ever! I felt incredible leaving Inspire 4 Life Fitness this week. I don't know what it is...I have been going for almost 2 months now and I've felt the burn and worked my heart out...I just can't explain it. It's mind-boggling the difference Zumba and exercise have made in my life. There is so much more substance in my life and I have so much more to look forward to.

I know I do this all the time, but I really have to thank the people that have a part in my journey! Each one of you that post comments here on my blog or Facebook -- you will never know how much your encouragement and support truly mean to me. I thrive on it! My accountability partners - Leah and Jessica - have been incredible. Now, I can add Laurie to my list of important people. She is my Zumba instructor and she is wonderful! Thank you, Laurie, for your dedication to wellness and supporting people like me that aren't in the best of shape! You have made a real impact on me.

For those of you that say -- I don't feel like working out....JUST DO IT!! I feel worse when I don't work out than when I do. I basically just explained that to you! There is so much more to it than just "working out" or "exercising." There is such a feeling of accomplishment that comes out of walking for 20 minutes or going to a Zumba class. You don't have to be the best, but you'll never be anything if you don't at least TRY!

Emotional Limbo

It's been a rough couple of days....heck, the past week really! I feel like I've failed myself in the way I've eaten. I've been very active, but almost feel like I've negated it all. . I haven't gone completely overboard, but it's not been pretty. I'm just frustrated with myself. I can see where I've cut back, but I also see where I've slipped up. While I'm still logging my calories, it's like I forget about what I'm eating until it's time to put it all in at the end of the day. Then I feel like kicking myself. I don't know...maybe I'm being too hard on myself....maybe I'm not being hard enough.

When I measured Friday, I lost an additional 3.5" but I'm kinda disappointed. I know it's a loss and I should be happy, but I want more. Everyone tells me they can see me losing weight, and I can see it too. But sometimes I still see this big blob doing nothing with her life.

I'm just in emotional limbo right now. I'm proud of what I'm finally doing with my life and the accomplishments I've made thus far, but I just know there's a LONG road ahead of me. I'm trying to stay positive and not to get burned out. I know the success that I long for will ultimately come.... I can't lie -- it's HARD and grueling process, but I've dedicated myself to doing it. I just have to get back up and keep trudging along. Please just keep me in your prayers and the encouragement coming! I feed from it!