Days 7 & 8 - Overwhelmed

Workouts have been great. I am still sore from Carlos’ workout on Monday. I think I was more uncomfortable Tuesday than Monday after the double workout! Normally I would just sit around and rest after being worked like that…but I didn’t. I did a 24 minute Biggest Loser Box-Fit workout on the Wii. Then yesterday I had my normal Zumba class and tonight I’m doing another Zumba class! I never could understand the people that worked out all the time, 6-7 days/week; but right now, I’m one of those people. To my surprise, I’m not as exhausted as I thought I would be right now. I’m still at the beginning of this transformation process, but that really gives me hope….which I really need right now.

I am completely blessed that I have this opportunity. I knew it would be hard, but it never crossed my mind about the emotional aspects of this specific journey. It’s not the workouts, it’s the eating right. You get so used to eating a certain way, or not even caring about what you eat…then to completely change everything. I don’t even know where to begin! I don’t know what to buy. I don’t know how to prepare it. I don’t know if I’ll like it. I went to the grocery store last night and basically just wondered around. I bought a bell pepper. Woo hoo. I wasn’t really sure what to look for or what I should/shouldn’t be buying. It’s hard to change 29 years’ worth of thinking and habits. I am absolutely clueless to this new way of things. I literally wanted to cry in the middle of the store, and almost did. I don’t know what I’m doing. Not to mention, to get started on the right path and get what I really need is expensive. Money we don’t have. I’m just overwhelmed……..

If You Only Knew...

I will admit sincerely that the past couple of days have been rough for me spiritually and emotionally. I have felt like I'm missing out, like I don't belong, like I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. This has spilled over into my eating as I haven't really paid attention to what I've been eating and basically eating what I want without caring. But you know what.....that's OVER! God never ceases to amaze me and has spoken to me in the midst of my storm. I'm not out of it yet, but instead of hanging my head saying "woe is me," I will take this day as a day the LORD has given me and REJOICE in it!

Music is a passion of mine and I love the way God speaks to me through songs. There have been 3 songs that have spoken to me over the last few days. One I posted Monday - Broken. Another is a brand new song by Mark Condon -- Cover Me. The other is one I have heard countless times before and it really spoke to me. I can't let the devil keep taking what belongs to me! My joy and my peace - I want it ALL back!

I want it all back.

You may have thought you won that last round. You may have laughed. I almost fell down. Maybe you think I give up easy. But it's not over, I got more in me. You thought I stopped. You thought I sat down. But I am standin'! You made me mad now! You got some things I think you owe me. I've come to get back everything that you stole.

I want it all back.

You hit me hard. I should be knocked out. Things I've been through - don't even wanna talk about. You crossed the line. You violated me. I want revenge. I want everything back from A to Z. The battle's not mine. The battle is the Lord's. In the name of JESUS, I'm takin' it by force!

I want it all back!

If you only knew what I was gonna be after the storm you wouldn't have even bothered me!

And now I'm STRONGER. And I got more POWER. I'm a little bit WISER. And I for more STRENGTH. I for the ANOINTING. God God's FAVOR. And we're still STANDING. 

I want it all back!

I'm telling you -- God spoke to me in this song. I can't let the devil take what God has given me. I can't give him my joy, my success, my determination! I'm taking it ALL back and running full force into God's arms! The part I like best is: "Devil, if you only knew what I was gonna be after the storm you wouldn't have even bothered me!"

Through this whole thing, like I said it has affected my weight-loss determination. I still did my Zumba, but I didn't have the will-power to stay away from the "bad" foods. Without God as my focus, I lost focus! I didn't see my success. I just saw the road ahead and became discouraged. Now my mind is back where it needs to be and I am read to RUN! I'm ready to do something about it. I'm ready to do something that takes this journey to the next level. Pray for that if you will. I have an idea in my head, but I'm not sure how receptive an idea it is.

When I went to Zumba Monday, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I didn't look long because I've never liked looking at myself (full-body) in the mirror. I thought something though. I thought -- I can really tell I'm losing weight. I didn't dwell on it much because, at that point, I was still doubting and going through my "battle." But tonight -- I took a second look. I really looked at my full-body in the mirror. Staring back was someone I never thought I would see. I saw a "skinnier" version of ME! I saw someone that likes to exercise. Someone that cares about herself enough to start a journey that she has failed at many times before. And you know what -- I LIKED IT! I really can tell I'm losing weight. I can see the difference...but more importantly, I can FEEL the difference! I know I still have a LONG way to go, but I see the obstacles I've already overcome and I know I can do more!

Prayers

I'm not exactly sure what to write tonight because I'm not even really sure what/how I'm feeling right now. I am just kinda in a "funk" mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It's almost like I have a million things running around in my head and heart and I can't pinpoint what they really are. All I know is that I don't like feeling this way. I can't be productive feeling this way. I know God can help me through this. I ask tonight for your supportive prayers.

I am blessed to have friends and the TRUE friendships that I have. I also appreciate every one of you that reads this blog and prays for me (not just tonight, but anytime) -- God knows each of you and I pray he blesses you wherever you are. Thank you for your continued support!

Emotional Limbo

It's been a rough couple of days....heck, the past week really! I feel like I've failed myself in the way I've eaten. I've been very active, but almost feel like I've negated it all. . I haven't gone completely overboard, but it's not been pretty. I'm just frustrated with myself. I can see where I've cut back, but I also see where I've slipped up. While I'm still logging my calories, it's like I forget about what I'm eating until it's time to put it all in at the end of the day. Then I feel like kicking myself. I don't know...maybe I'm being too hard on myself....maybe I'm not being hard enough.

When I measured Friday, I lost an additional 3.5" but I'm kinda disappointed. I know it's a loss and I should be happy, but I want more. Everyone tells me they can see me losing weight, and I can see it too. But sometimes I still see this big blob doing nothing with her life.

I'm just in emotional limbo right now. I'm proud of what I'm finally doing with my life and the accomplishments I've made thus far, but I just know there's a LONG road ahead of me. I'm trying to stay positive and not to get burned out. I know the success that I long for will ultimately come.... I can't lie -- it's HARD and grueling process, but I've dedicated myself to doing it. I just have to get back up and keep trudging along. Please just keep me in your prayers and the encouragement coming! I feed from it!

It's almost here...

The day is fast approaching...Saturday is almost here. For everyone else it might just be another ordinary Saturday...lounging around the house, chillin' with friends/family, maybe doing some housework....but no relaxation for me -- it's my first 5k! I'm ready for it to be here. I've got knots in my stomach, but I'm so excited! Some people might just say, "oh, it's just a race -- 3 miles" but it's MORE than that for me. This is a goal I made for myself when I first started my journey. For me to finish this race symbolizes so much more. Every mile -- every inch -- of this walk represents a time I ate a 2k calorie dessert by myself, didn't stop eating when I was full - ate whatever I wanted, didn't exercise, just plain didn't care about myself or the people that care about me. Crossing that finish line on Saturday will smash all past failures from my weight-loss journey. So pray for me on Saturday. This is not just a physical accomplishment for me, but an emotional one too. I'm ready to do this...